Some Nights: A Poem

SOME NIGHTS

Some nights I go outside on my rickety fire escape

In an attempt to hide from the confused looks of my friends

The muddled gazes I get when I look at them with dead eyes and a fake sealed lip smile

Sitting on those janky steps, my feet dangling through a gap between the stairs

I precariously hover over two stories down to the asphalt

But every time I gaze out upon the unkempt back yards, derelict garages, and outdated brick businesses

I revel in my anonymity

No one sees me on my floating iron island

Or hears me repeating words of confirmation to myself under my breath

That this world is not a hostile one as I have blamed it for being

And that I am valuable and loved even if I cannot see it sometimes

It is most special at night as I sit there and look up towards the stars

My hands held tightly together until my knuckles turn white

Wishing desperately upon the cosmos to grant me amnesia

From the mistakes I’ve made that lead me to this solitary place

I check my phone for signs of life outside my little bubble

But there is no one thinking of me

Because there is no one who would willingly open the door

To a wind tunnel of this magnitude and scope

In this absence of communication I grow disenchanted with my perch

It reminds me the obscurity I covet is only the result of acting on whims

Impulses to cut and run from places and things I never wanted to leave

And destroy the world I created simply because of cracks that need repair

I hope to find some level of self-acceptance on the steps of this cold steel ladder

Some semblance of forgiveness to myself for the things that I have done

And perhaps give true meaning to the word escape that sits so boldly in its title